An Introduction of Sorts

Oh, shit! You're actually reading this. Sweeeeet. Well then, first and foremost, thank you for being here. I am sincerely surprised and grateful! As my first entry, I figured I could just outline why I think the stuff I write could be of any use to anyone.

• I didn't want kids. I didn't want to be pregnant. I didn't want to give birth. All of that shit terrified me...until I met my husband. (At which point I wanted a kid, but I was still ter-ri-fied.)

• I was less than a month shy of turning 35 when my daughter was born.

• I'm a veteran, a former cop, former gym rat and gym owner....I didn't know ANYTHING about kids.

• I essentially didn't have a mother and I'm not close with any of her family.

• My father is present but very distant.

• Dad married a monster when I was 5, and she was very mentally abusive and found any chance she could to whoop me until they divorced when I was 12.

• At age 12, I kept the house. I did the grocery shopping. I had no help on school work. I grew up having to really fend for and figure things out myself. And that's how I entered motherhood.

• My brother, older by two years, was an asshole.

• To this day, it is by the grace of God and Google that I manage to be a mother.

• I have terrible anxiety.

• I have ADHD.

• I'm introverted AF.

• I never have confidence in anything that I do.

• I've had a miscarriage.

• My child had health issues when she was very young.

• I deflect everything with humor, extremely sarcastic humor. My husband describes it on a scale from Paul Rudd to Jason Bateman. Laughing is my favorite, even if I'm doing it just so I don't cry.

You add all that up into one brain that never shuts up and is perpetually mean to itself, and it makes motherhood really interesting, to say the least. It is the scariest, most beautiful, stressful, and fun shit I have ever been through. My daughter is my favorite person (second only to my husband) and I am so grateful for the experiences she gives me. I really hope my craziness will resonate with you. We have to remember that we are doing a good job. Shitty moms don't honestly consider: did I yell too much today? Did I play enough? Did I say, "I love you," enough. The fact that you care shows that you're a good mom, and we can get through this together.